Another Thing...

Every PERSON has a façade, and every culture has an IDEAL for that façade. That’s enough to explain what attracts and repels us from other people; it is what moulds our perception of what is “perfect”. But beneath that is the real person, the one that holds all the flaws, fears and anxieties that we are too afraid to show others.

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It was overcast, which took some of the bite off the sun’s rays. Point of fact, it’s probably my favorite kind of weather, being neither too hot nor too cold; not too bright, but not dim enough to affect visibility.

By some twist of fate, I ended up offering flowers at the Mass. If I hadn’t been chosen, I probably would have been stuck in the middle of a sea of people, keeping to myself (as usual), and having a difficult time concentrating on the homily.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, I stood far away from the gigantic mass of people. While that normally would’ve depressed me to heck, it helped me find some time for myself. Like that old Guns n’ Roses song says: “Everybody needs some time on their own,” right?

And I DID need some time alone. Not because I wanted to forget about others, but because I wanted to rediscover myself.

On a related  note, I can’t quite recall the last time a homily had moved me so much. Perhaps it was because I was in a peculiar mood, or because a person I was… attracted to, whom I thought had switched schools, happened to walk right in front of me. I tried starting a conversation, but she either didn’t hear me, or was less well-disposed toward me than I had thought.

But I digress. This is probably going to be so thoroughly edited that the nothing of the previous paragraph will remain, anyway.

Still… as I write this now, a few hours afterward, I can’t help but think about how inhumanly perfect that moment was.

As it was, I was able to fully appreciate the sermon. For what may have been only the second time in my life, I actually felt like crying during a sermon (the Eucharistic kind, not the kind that your parents give you when you flunk or break something expensive). The homily was so adequate, so inhumanly perfect for my mood, my disposition, that I felt it couldn’t have been coincidence. Maybe some things really are meant to happen. They don’t have to be dramatic, life-changing moments. They don’t even have to be anything special. All you really need is for the ordinary things to happen at the right time in just the right order, and for you to be in just the right mood.

The sad part is that not much of the priest’s words managed to stick in my brain. I only actually got the part about life being a drama, and that Filipinos are so very addicted to drama because our comedies are based on laughing off what we don’t want to cry about. Life is a drama, but people have the capacity to turn it into a comedy.

We don’t always get what we want, so we have to make do with what we have. Sometimes, that has to be enough.

P.S.

If you’re reading this, then that probably means that I decided to forget about protecting my privacy and post this to make up for about half a year without blog entries, despite my blog being really new. Better an incoherent, semi-emotional text than depressing poetry, I guess.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing anything since the last entry, it’s just that some of those things showed parts of me that I’m not quite ready to share just yet.

On a side note, I’m going back to writing fiction. Wish me luck!